Chinese parenting style is often described as “controlling”. This parenting style, also referred to as a “tiger parenting”, has gained special attention since the release of the book “Battle Hymn of the Tiger Mother“ in 2011.
Recently, one graduate's resentment that his parents forced him to give up a job has resonated among China’s younger generation online, who shared the same frustration over their parents’ outdated attitudes and strict parenting style in everything from education and hobbies to career and marriage.
Beijing University graduate Wang Xiao was forced to give up a decent job he had found after graduation because his parents thought the job was not within “the system”, meaning it doesn't belong to state-owned enterprises or is related to the government, thus lacking in security. Like most Chinese parents born in the 1950s and 60s who experienced the more difficult times of Chinese history, they still value stability and social security more than anything else.
However, the generation born after 1985 has a completely different mindset, setting up parents and children for conflict. For example, earlier this month, a Chinese mom bought a entire page of advertising in the Chinese Melbourne Daily to beg her son to come home for the New Year after her repeated attempts to force her son into marriage had scared him away.
Wang Xiao's story went viral on popular microblogging site Sina Weibo, and has become the most discussed topic of January 24, 2014. Many complained online about the lack of understanding and overwhelming control of their own parents.
User “Alpaca” analyzed the changing attitude towards careers among the two generations:
Different social environments have led to different ideas about careers. In the era of our fathers, food and clothing were the main theme, so a stable source of income was the “iron rice bowl”. For contemporary graduates, food and clothing are not necessarily the main concern; for them, a job also involves a kind of idealism and spiritual needs.
Netizen “shishang zuidade xingfu shianjing” summed up typical Chinese-style parenting:
1、过分溺爱 2、心灵施暴，扼杀独立人格的树立。3、物质刺激 4、动辄体罚 5、朝令夕改 6、精神方面孩子是家长最熟悉的陌生人。 7、事业，孩子沦为家长实现未泯理想的工具。8、道德家长和学校一起空白。9、生活近乎泛滥的物质。10、性教育，孩子顺利成长的绊脚石。
1. spoiling children, 2. spiritual violence to stifle independent personality growth, 3. material incentives, 4. physical punishment, 5. constant change of mind, 6. parents are children’s most familiar strangers spiritually, 7. children become parents’ tool to realize their own unfinished career dreams, 8. lack of moral education, 9. too much materialism, 10. Lack of sex education becomes the stumbling stone in children’s growth.
“Xinyan zewuyan” wrote:
[They] kill innocence during children's’ childhoods, kill our romance during adolescence and kill our will during our youth.
Another user quoted Chinese writer and blogger Han Han:
Many parents don’t allow their children to go on dates. Even during college, many parents oppose to it, but once you graduate, all parents want someone to date and marry their children immediately, someone who’s good at everything and better have an apartment. How beautiful.
Parents are used to the idea of intervention with children, in their study, work, or even marriage. They never read their children's minds, or respect their children's decisions, they always think they can dominate everything about their children. Sadly, this kind of thinking will be passed down from generation to generation.
Another user stressed the dangerous quality most Chinese parents value in their children:
Chinese children’s worst “advantage” is obedience, listening to parents at school, then work, then marriage. Parents’ highest praise is that “so and so’s child is obedient. “If parents are gone, who is there to listen to? “Obedient” is even more frightening than a cult.
One netizen saw hope in the younger generation:
Perhaps it's difficult to change the way our parents think because of their experiences, but hopefully one day when we become parents, we will avoid the same mistakes and our children will enjoy more independence and freedom.
An earlier version of this post incorrectly stated the title of Amy Chua's 2011 book. The correct title is “Battle Hymn of the Tiger Mother”. Thanks to commenter joel_bee for the correction.