See all those languages up there? We translate Global Voices stories to make the world's citizen media available to everyone.

Learn more about Lingua Translation  »

Kyrgyzstan: “Putin Is a Complex Bio-Robot”

Arstanbek Abdylaev, scourge of the Kyrgnet, has struck again. Noted on Global Voices before for predicting a planet shorn of seasonal transition, this ex-presidential candidate and current head of the “People’s Academy” is back to tell the universe what he really meant, having been mocked and misunderstood by netizens back in November 2011.

Now, with the help of a new sidekick, a kalpak-sporting, silver-tongued ethnic Korean called Alexander Pak, he is even dabbling in political philosophy. The world, the pair told an expectant press conference on January 27, 2012, is run by figures who are standing behind the figures we think run the world. If that sounds a bit Zeitgeisty, then Abdylaev has added an original twist: Russia’s under-fire prime minister, Vladimir Putin, is a “complex bio-robot.”

Not much of this will make sense until you tune into Abdylaev’s first press conference where his utterance “Зима не будет”, or “there will be no winter” made him an overnight online sensation. Along with that pearl of wisdom, his helper, Mirlan Asakeev, suggested that life had “begun with the Kyrgyz”, and would begin again with the Kyrgyz, at the end of the year 2012. Adam and Eve, he argued, to the astonishment of the assembled hack-pack, were “63.5% Kyrgyz.”

This time round, Asakeev was limited to a bit-part performance, his coveted position as Abdylaev’s number two apparently usurped by Pak. Pak, whose mastery of Russian exceeds that of both his colleagues, proceeded to explain that the original phrase “there will be no winter”, had been taken too literally, and that actually it had a “big energetic and informational bloc” capable of creating a “moment of total quantum leap” for humanity.

A New World Order

Besides the assertion that Kyrgyzstan would be the “informational centre of the 21st century”, Abdylaev revealed that he had forewarned the Kazakh and Russian governments of the political perils rippling accross the globe:

“Four months ago we wrote to the Kazakh ambassador – we said, you are going to [suffer] terrorist attacks – mass upheavals – they laughed at us. We wrote to the leader of the Russian Federation – Putin. We said that there would be war in Arabia, and they laughed at us, but there was [war]. Now my words are being proven, not by a historian, or an academic, or paper, but time,” Abdylaev said.

Where could the press conference possibly go from there? Well, despite apparently being ridiculed by the Russian leadership, journalists heard, Moscow still has a place in Abdylaev’s New World Order – chiefly as the brawn behind Kyrgyzstan’s brain. Since Europe will soon be starved, disease-ridden and submerged under water, he reasoned, Russia would have no choice but to turn East.

“Why are we writing to Russia? Russia and Kyrgyzstan will conserve humanity. That’s why I call Putin “a complex bio-robot”… We will give a program to the Russian leader, Putin, and he will do it, because he has the power,” Abdylaev said.

And for the dull reporter lost on the difference between an ordinary bio-robot and a complex bio-robot, Abdylaev elucidated:

With a bio robot, you give him a program and he does it, correct? But Putin is a complex bio robot – he himself does it.

Perhaps this difficult, semi-mechanic nature is the source of Putin’s reputed marital troubles….

As the press conference wound down, Alexander Pak summed the group's message up as follows:

This phrase [there will be no winter]… is also a code. Anyone who has heard the phrase “there will be no winter” has already received the code and they are using it, even if they are not fully conscious of this. That code contained here among the Kyrgyz should arrive in every person, and through it every person should come to a condition of over-standing; they will become more than human and they will be aware of their true capabilities and their real meanings as human beings… This is why Arstanbek [Abdylaev] called Putin a bio-robot. Barack Obama is also a bio-robot. Other bio-robots stand behind these people and behind these people are other people and today these people are all bio-robots. This code [there will be no winter] allows these bio-robots to become human and write constitutions for the future era, the era we have called the golden era.

So, what is this strange “People's Academy?” Aside from obtuse letters to world leaders, do they have any publications or academic accreditation? Increasingly they are beginning to sound like a cult, a fact that could get Abdylaev into trouble in a country where the state is often hostile towards obscure religious movements.

Inter-internet conflict?

On YouTube, Abdylaev’s second coming earned a mixed reception, both from local Kyrgyz Internet users and from the broader RuNet:

“In my brain after watching that clip I had a total quantum leap,” said [ru] underaszZz

“Who are they kidding, it has been -20 here for two weeks,” quipped [ru] alexxx8999 .

In among the good-natured banter, there were some seemingly derogatory comments from Russian Internet users towards Kyrgyzstan, repositories of the Russian Federation's rising tide of nationalism:

 “Is there a doctor in the studio! Or aren’t there any doctors in Kyrgyzstan? How can they allow abnormal people airtime?” asked [ru] breeedfrtf .

“Who let them off the building site?” asked [ru] TheMacsander, a probable reference to the fact that many Kyrgyz work abroad in Russia as labour migrants.

“Judging by the commentaries, Russians differ from fascists only in their stupidity,” raged BeksKazama in response.

But other RuNet types saw reasons to envy their small, mountainous Central Asian neighbour, and took Abdylaev's public appearance as a cue to bash United Russia, the political machine that took victory in Russia's recent elections to the state Duma - a vote tainted by allegations of massive fraud.

“Kyrgyz wake up, don’t call the Russians to your aid! Otherwise you will soon have United Russia and corruption, in other words the whole bouquet ‘from Russia with love!'” said [ru] marysimon79 .

“You know, I think it might be worth going [to Kyrgyzstan], given that they don't have United Russia there,” said [ru] TheSarajPictures

Another less politicized strand of commentators made the connection between Abdylaev's metaphorical/metaphysical musings and Kyrgyzstan's Chui Valley, something of a weed-basket for Eurasian marijuana smokers during Soviet times:

“What are they smoking?” asked [ru] SuperSascha2012

“O Great Valley of Chuika [Chui-grown marijuana] Ototo – there will be no winter,” said [ru] Mariyajuri.

“Great Chuika this year, I smoked and [got a] quantum leap straight away,” teased [ru] Mikkado31

But whether stoned or sober, the “energetic code” of Abdylaev's “Peoples Academy” is drawing a few genuine followers:

“They are trying for us. We just need to become different, change our souls, become purer! It is great that they want to bring this to the people. There is no point picking holes in their grammar. Come, let us be people, brothers and sisters. It will be easier for us to live this way,” said [ru] psipolza

And truly, who would lack the humanity to disagree with such sentiments? Perhaps only the evil bio-robots among us:

N.B According to Bishkek-based citizen media portal Kloop, Abdylaev's second press conference has already surpassed his first in terms of online popularity. Once again, the catalyst for a spike in viewing figures was a prime-time slot on Russian satirist Stas Davydov's internet show “ThisisHorosho“.

Receive great stories from around the world directly in your inbox.

Sign up to receive the best of Global Voices
* = required field
Email Frequency



No thanks, show me the site